Friday, December 24, 2010

Conversations on Love & Sex: My Response

Disclaimer- Please note that I have asked the person who wrote the piece that inspired this Post for permission to use their original work as a reference; however for several reasons I have decided to keep their identity anonymous. Please feel free to leave your questions, comments, or concerns below!

If you are a loyal reader of my blog, you have probably noticed that most of my entries are based on my personal experiences. However, I realize that that sometimes the personal experiences of others can impact us in powerful ways and that we can learn so much from what the people around us go through on a daily basis.

I am writing this entry in response to something that I read a few days ago, something that someone I consider a friend was brave enough to write and share.

Whether or not you can relate, I truly believe there is a lesson for us all in the experience of my dear friend!


Long Beach Scowlface

Romanian “Ben”

Interior Designer

Big Booty Camacho

Import Export Irishman

Jeff “I like old men”

Buck Tooth Pinoy

Valley Stream Quickie

Coach Slurpie

Rockville Centre Vampire

Nasty Franklin Square Gomba

DL Lace Panties

Little Shitty Bottom

Chelsea Pisces

East Meadow Italian

Above the Golden Krust Boy

Seaford Smut

Central Islip Hot Mess


Jun Wang

Dominican Hair Stylist

Yankee Boy

Hewlett Artsy


Karl the German

Sultry Antique Collector

So if you haven’t guessed already this is a list of men, I have had sexual intercourse with. First and foremost, I am not bragging, I wish I would have done things differently. Many of the guys on this list, weren’t important to me, broke my heart and promised me love in return for sex. Having so many partners was also very risky. I used protection most of the time, but a condom can't protect you from all STDs. Realizing this I got tested every 4 months and Praise God, I haven't contracted HIV.

When I was complying this list my heart sank, I consistently sold myself short. None of the people on this list deserved me. All of these individuals have a piece of me, pieces that I can’t take back. I also didn't realize how quickly I had accumulated all these notches on my bed post. I didn't love myself enough to do different. I wanted attention and affection and traded sex for maybe 30 minutes of someone's attention.

Whore, Slut and Skank are the words we call people who have slept around. Trust me people who sleep around don’t need your judgment, they need your help. They need to know that they have worth and value. They must come to realize that sex is more than just an exchange of embraces, hickies and body fluids.

Those 26 names don’t define me, I made mistakes but I’m not a mistake. I’m so ready to make right decisions in the future.


Reading this and hearing some of the things other people have had to say in response, has had me thinking about a lot of different things.

Because I don’t live under a rock, and because I have had this conversation on several different occasions with numerous people I am fully aware that casual sex for some is simply just that “casual”. Which very often leads me think that some people have not realized or ignore the fact that sex is more than just an exchange of embraces, hickies and body fluids”. However for some sex/casual sex is more than just “casual” more than “just an exchange of embraces, hickies and body fluids. Whether or not they recognize it, for some casual sex is the result of low self esteem, fear of commitment, abuse, a need for attention, lack of self love, or something deeper than a need for just a few moments of pleasure.

As human beings we all crave attention and love, as a result aware or unaware we do things to get the attention and love we are sometimes disparately in need of. Sadly, sometimes our efforts become misguided, and hurt us more than they help us. As a result of our misguided need for attention and love we find ourselves in situations that cause us to reevaluate some of the things we do on a daily basis.

What I appreciate so much about the piece that my friend wrote is that it speaks to a process, a process we all go through. A process that is dependent on where we are mentally and emotionally. The process we all go through as we discover “Self Love”. From an early age we are taught and shown how to love others, but so very often or elders fail to teach and show us the importance of self love.

We all have things that keep us from truly loving, and appreciating ourselves. Things that include but are not limited to broken relationships, lying, family, friends, the media, and our physical appearance. For my friend it took 26 meaningless sexual encounters to realize the importance of "Self Love" and his/her lack of it . As we get ready to start a new year I urge you all to think critically about what it is that is keeping you from truly appreciating and loving YOU.

*** However you decide to conduct yourself sexually be Smart, and most importantly BE SAFE**

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

THROWN out of my Comfort Zone!

Have you ever been thrown out of your comfort zone? I mean REALLY been thrown out your comfort zone, to the point where everything seems novel, and sometimes just straight up overwhelming?

Well I have, and this morning I woke up ready to talk (well in this case write) about it.

For the last couple of weeks I have been getting the same question, and I have been giving the same lackluster answer with some variation here and there depending on who I am talking to. With the exception of let’s say two or three people (one whom does not read my blog, I won’t hold it against her though) I don’t think anyone has gotten a genuine answer. It’s not because I don’t want anyone to know the truth, because if you know me well I am ALL about sharing experiences, thoughts, emotions, and all that other good stuff. But, I am also really into taking the time to think about and process personal experiences without too much input from others; although I do understand that importance of a confidant which is why I carefully choose depending on the situation who I share things with.

Since I have spent the last couple of weeks thinking, and processing I thought I’d share a little about my first quarter of graduate school; and give to those who have received one of my lackluster answers a better answer to the question “How was your first semester(really quarter) of grad school?”

It was HARD, in EVERY sense of the word!

The last couple of months have TRULY thrown me out of my comfort zone, and I would be lying if I said it was an easy transition because it was not. It is actually a transition that has included some doubt, fear, and tears; a transition that I know deep down inside is not yet complete. I am EXTREMELY grateful and understand it is a blessing that I have the opportunity to continue my education, and at the same time understand that some things in life (Even good things) come with challenges that we must deal with and overcome.

The biggest thing I have had to deal with, and the thing from which I believe most of my challenges stem is the fact that I now live in a new city by myself, which has been really rough for me socially and mentally. Not knowing anyone, and being around the same people (who all have very different personalities) everyday has been harder than I thought it would be. I have had moments that I have simply just felt lonely, which I must say is not the best feeling in the world (so much so that I am getting a little emotional just writing about it!). I now have a new found appreciation for technology; BBMs, text messages, Facebook, Skype, e-mails, and telephone calls have honesty been what has gotten me through some of my hardest days. I am extremely grateful for the support system I have, because without it who knows how what the last couple of months would have been like.

On top of the social and mental aspect of being in Chicago I have had to deal with adjusting to school. For most of my life I have been able to hold it down academically something that I attribute to the simple fact that I am a hard worker when I need to be. School with the exception of a few classes/ teachers has never really been extremely painful for me, up until a few months ago. Clearly they are not about to just throw a degree at me, I'm actually going to have to work really hard for it (ahhh man! Justttt Joking). I know I can handle it I have just had to and will still have to make some adjustments to the way in which I approach my studies.

Because I could go on and on, and because I don’t feel like writing about this anymore (lol), I’ll just wrap it up and say I came home mentally exhausted for so many reasons. I was SOOOOOOO ready for this break. Looking back on the last three month I can only hope and pray that they are not a repeat!

Thankfully, I find comfort in the fact that I KNOW God would never put me in a situation that I could not handle or a situation where I had no purpose. With every challenge in life comes the opportunity to grow and I have grown to realize and appreciate that at this point in time God is just challenging “me to trust and believe”. I also know things WILL get better.

I am going to make the big assumption and say that everyone reading this has at some point in time been thrown out of their comfort zone. When we find ourselves in tough situations it is very easy to get caught up in all that is going wrong and dwell on our feelings of fear, doubt, loneliness, and inadequacy. Due to the fact that challenges are somewhat inevitable, what becomes important is how we react and adapt to our difficult circumstances no matter what they may be. I urge you all to use the times when you are thrown out of your comfort zone to learn about not only yourselves but others, and most importantly as a time to grow and expand your comfort zone!

I very often find comfort in music, so I thought I’d share with you one of the songs I have had on blast for awhile!(it took me awhile to figure out how to get this link on here so you better listen)

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